This date means something to me. November 3rd, 2017 was the day I left my job. My job at the time was everything I had ever known. It was my security and one of my biggest accomplishments.
You see, I never went to college. Well, let me correct that. I went to college for 4 years, and earned no degree. I could never settle on a particular path. I wanted to try so many things, but no matter what I studied, nothing ever felt right.
I held quite a few customer service jobs between the ages of 15-21, but this was my first REAL job. I remember walking through downtown Detroit on my very first day. I was bright eyed and in awe of how big every building was around me. I felt way in over my head, but I knew that this job was the one. The one that God had hand picked for me.
Five years later, through many ups and downs, my time to leave this career had come. I had worked so hard and had nothing left to give. I started to lose my peace around three years in, but the security of being paid so incredibly well, with no degree, was something worth fighting for.
I was good at my job. I have no shame in admitting that. I adored leading others and learning so much about them. In fact, I learned a lot about myself myself. I know I wouldn’t be who I was today without that opportunity.
But I knew that my time there had come. I was battle weary and couldn’t hold on any longer. A few short weeks prior to my departure, I had experienced something even more difficult: a miscarriage.
I’ll never forget when Tyler and I decided that after six years of marriage, we were going to give it a shot and begin trying to have a child. After just two months, I was pregnant. I couldn’t believe it. I’ve had to fight for everything in my life. It never seemed to come “easy”, so I was shocked that this had went so smooth. Much to our delight, we scheduled our first doctors appointment and they confirmed I was indeed pregnant. We were so excited that we couldn’t hold it in and immediately told our close friends and family.
Seven weeks into the pregnancy, I started bleeding. It was very faint, but it was enough to concern me. A long, grueling week went by. It would start, then stop, then start, then stop. My doctor ran tests to check my hormone levels. By Monday we would get the results to see if my levels were continuing to increase. That Sunday, at eight weeks of pregnancy, we lost the baby.
All of the excitement of what was to be was now gone. It was gone in the blink of an eye. I thought to myself, “How can this be?” This isn’t the way it’s supposed to go. Then comes the pain of hurting those who love you by telling them the news. Having to tell everyone you lost the baby is nearly as bad as losing the baby itself.
Something did happen though. I took one week away from work to clear my head and sit at the Lords feet. The day I was to return to work, my husband looked at me as I was putting on my shoes and said, “It’s time”. “It’s time for what?”, I replied. “Time to leave your job. You don’t have to do this anymore. I have you.” I couldn’t believe my ears. I had been waiting to hear this for two years and it seemed like everyday that passed by it became less of a possibility.
Tyler and I agreed early on in our marriage that if we were ever so fortunate to have children, and we could make it work financially, that I would be a stay at home mother. Every year that passed by at my job, this prospect seemed less likely. At the time, Tyler had just started his career at the same place I was leaving. He was working his way up from the bottom. He barely made enough to meet our bills, but he had the drive and the faith to know that even though it made no sense, this was God’s plan.
I got in the car that morning, and I had peace. It was a peace that cannot be attributed to anything else other than God Himself. I knew this was it. We were going to take the plunge together. A song came on the radio, “Different” by Micah Tyler. In that moment, it seemed as if the words were written just for me. The sun was shining so bright through my car window, I could barely see the road.
I sang that song, with all of my heart and I just wept.
Fast forward to four weeks later, and it was my final day at work. People I hadn’t seen in years came to find me. They told me how much they would miss me and how much they admired what I was about to do. I couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed by their love and compassion. I had wondered if I had really made any real impact in my five years there, and this was a small glimpse that maybe I had.
I packed up my desk and walked down to the front doors. I handed my badge to my amazing team leader, hugged her goodbye, and walked away. I’ll never forget the feeling of driving out of the parking garage for the last time. I looked back for just a moment in the rear view. The buildings that once seemed so big started to look so small. I smiled.
I bet you are wondering why am I sharing this? What is the purpose? To be honest, I’m not really sure. As I sit in the quiet typing this, my beautiful son sleeps in his warm bed. My son who we fought so hard for. I look around our beautiful home, a home that we have been so fortunate to keep during such hard times, and I just can’t help but feel grateful.
As I sit here and worry about what will happen in the future, to us and our country, I’m reminded of November 3rd, 2017. All the difficulties I had endured in one season, gave way to the next. It’s the cycle of life, and will be until we return home to the One who created us.
There are no securities here on this earth that could ever fill our hearts to the magnitude that Christ’s love and provision can. The world is lost. It always has been, and always will be. However, there is a Savior who created it, just like He created you. I take comfort now in knowing that I am never in control. I’m just a young woman waiting for further instruction from her Father. For the time being, I sit and wait, patiently until I hear those words again. “You don’t have to do this anymore. I have you.” While I wait, His supernatural strength and peace overcomes me.
No matter what battle you are facing today, no matter how long it has been, please know that there is light on the other side of it. That other side will bring new challenges of its own, but you will have what you need when you need it. There is only one guarantee in life, and that is Christ. He is king, and He sits on the throne. No one else. Lucky for us, that King knows us by name, and he promises to give us hope AND a future.
Whatever lies the enemy is telling you, replace them with the words of the Lord. The words that he spoke to Tyler, then to me, and now to you. “You don’t have to do this alone anymore. I have you.”
Walk in His peace, and let His rest envelop you today and always.
Xx Ashley
